I murdered the dance floor call the cops
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
