I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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