just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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