Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
