You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
