I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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