i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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