you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
