I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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