I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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