Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
