She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
