I want to make a zoo with you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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