the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
