I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
