Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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