Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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