there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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