What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
