I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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