I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
someone threw a dead crab at me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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