the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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