im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
