If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
