Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
