A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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