I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
