i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
