Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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