i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
