I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
