sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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