My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
