I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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