This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
