u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
