Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
