I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
