I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Less talking, more tequila
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
