just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
