Swine flu. Run for my life!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
