That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
