The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
