remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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