I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
