i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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