wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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