her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
