I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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