if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
