I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
