dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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