Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
