We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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