you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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