Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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