You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Please don't give away my fajitas
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize