I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
