even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
