you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
